Conflict

 

Conflict.... When you have two contradicting thoughts inside your head...not only two maybe dozens of thoughts opposite to each other.... Or just different aspects to the same thing.... Or when you have 2 personalities inside of you both want to dominate and you don't know which one suits you better to face this vicious track called "Life" ….
You know when you want something very much but at the same time you know it is impossible to happen?!  Or even if it happens it might not be the way you want it...  When you are afraid that it will happen and it won't be the thing that you wanted it after all....
Let me direct my post to this beast called L. O. V. E
I want to talk with too about a particular point concerning this issue!!  
Don't know how to start actually the whole thing is thundering inside my mind and really hard to get it out but I will try my best.   
let's say you love someone and he supposed to have loved you back but things went terrible between you two till one started to give up and say "enough" …
Deep inside of you, you know it is over and it needs a miracle for this come back to happen...yet on the other side you really wish fir this miracle to happen... Then you pause and think a little...  If it was meant to be it would have gone fine in the first place, right?!  maybe this is for the best... Maybe we weren't good enough I mean love ONLY is never enough for a relationship you know there are a lot of variables.... But then you say why can't we just all over.... Like we meet coincidentally and act like we never knew each other and we never had a past and start all over again... Maybe after learning the mistake we can finally be together?!  Or people don't change that simply?!  And even if things went well after this come back, I guess you will still be afraid.... Afraid that it would go wrong again
Afraid that you will get hurt again.... You know it is really wicked.... How the universe might bring two people just to break them apart.... A lesson they call it.... But you never really are the same after it happens...you are a different person and each one of us cope with pain and hurt in a unique way... 
I don't know which is best but all I know is that when it comes to me am not happy like that and as a risk/benefit ratio 
"His" presence despite all the fights and all the teats shed is way better that his complete absence....
And what really complicates things more is that you don't understand why all this happened!! 
Did he love me?!  Or was I just someone to fill a gap of someone else?!  Wasn't I enough for him?!  Or was I too enough he couldn't handle?!  Was it completely my fault or was it his or both of us?!  
Tell me how am I suppose or anyone supposed to let something like that goes by without going mad and keep thinking even overthinking about it every day, every night, every second.... 
The point is that you still want them so much but you not sure if they want you.... you keep hoping for them to walk through the door.... But also, it might end even drastically than the time before!!  
So, what now?!  I have no clue.... I guess the only way to deal with it is "suppression " keep it inside....and accept the fact that somethings when gone never come back and not every wish upon a star can come true!!