Deja-vu

 

We’ll all know the meaning of Deja-vu of course. It is when you feel that you lived a situation before...but I don't mean it like that...it is complicated you know...can't find an appropriate title for what am going to say later... 
You know when things happen the same way they did before?!  I am talking mysteriously I know but I will try to simplify it and deliver my idea to you... 
You know when things that happened on this same day happened last year?!  In the same exact way like you are living them again with few differences.... like it was the same day of the Oscars that u had a fight with your beloved?! Or it was the same day let us say Tuesday that you had a gap between your lectures or your courses so you used to spend them in a specific place that u still go to this year?!  You know when things go in a way that reminds of you of what happened before.... Not necessarily a year but I mean when it comes to compare you always look back to who you were a year ago... And how much things changed...and you wonder what would it be if things occurred differently!!!  
I know I seem confused and off the point or something...but the fact is that I don't know what to say!!  It is like history repeats itself in a way to remind me of things I wanted to forget!!  And it doesn't end and the fact is that I can't just stop you know... Someone might ask me so why do I go to the same place that reminds if the things I want to forget...and I would tell then I don't know...it feels like am attracted to that place too much cause it had great memories that I always want to remember although things are not the same as they were and it hurts a lot but I try to just look on the bright side and remember the good parts of life and relive then again....it is crazy I know... But my mind is a twisted place it is just trying to cope with life because it can't accept the fact of how things have changed.   People who I lost, fights, disappointments and all the things that I just can't face anymore!! It feels weak and pathetic I know but we all do that right?!  
And the hard part about this Deja-vu is that every place, every song, every movie, every anything will remind you of the past in a glimpse and you can do nothing about it.... So, it is either to dwell on it and keep hurting or you relive it inside of your mind and trick yourself that you are okay!!! 

pseudo-rage

 

Have you ever felt angry all the time... Like you just burst with the slightest provocative things?!  Oh, come on. Look at me and don't be shy we all had our moments, haven't we?!  It's not something to be ashamed of.... but I just kept thinking about it a little and thought maybe this persistent rage has an underlying cause!!!! 

Well, I think I found the answer....
"HURT" that's what it is all about... When you are in constant pain emotional of course, when you are hurting for whatever causes it doesn't matter actually... When you feel depressed, anxious, disappointed all those negative feelings... And instead of crying and looking pathetic as you perceive yourself like that... You subconsciously turn into a timed bomb waiting to explode with the slightest touch.... 
Is it right?!  Is it wrong?!  Is it acceptable?!  I can't judge but all I know is that it is a defence mechanism to try and overcome all these tangled and supressed emotions inside of you
But tell you something?!  Even if you cry or burst in terms for days...if the causes are still there you will keep turning into that bomb by time exploding and you can't just reverse it you know?!  Right?!  Or is it just me?!  Like am feeling angry all the time... So defensive so impulsive 
Talking in a loud voice.... fighting ever trivial stuff and so on!!  And the worst part of it is that people don't just mind their own business!!  No instead they keep pushing you to the limits and accuse you of reacting to what they have done!!! 
So, when will this end?!  
I wish I could find an answer!!  If anyone has any comment or any solution to say please post it in a comment below :) 
And always remember.... You are not alone and there is nothing to feel ashamed of!!!

Error.... Files could not be deleted!!

 

I bet most of you just read the title and wondered what does this have to do with the post or the topic am going to write?!  Like is it relevant?! Well, I will explain my point as we go through the post....
Error files could not be deleted...which files do I mean?!  
Well, here I speak metaphorically, by files I mean "Memories" …the good and the bad
I know I mentioned this memory stuff a lot before but I don't know why do I keep going back to the same issue over and over again?!  Maybe because it is never resolved?!  They say that time heals everything?!  They lie... Time does nothing.... It didn't help me forget the past!!  I still remember them especially those who hurt and left the deep scars inside my heart...  Believe me I tried so hard to suppress those feelings, memories and thought and just act like they are not there but I failed...
People make you feel that it is very simple like just pressing a button and everything is over and you can just start over a "fresh start" but I guess this only happens in movies I guess... Cause even if you try to supress those "whatever things" you are trying to.... Your subconscious will never allow it!!  Or is it just me?!  I don’t know it became too trying to remember everything!!  Like sometimes I wish I could just shut down my brain and stop for a period of time!!  Some people advised me to try to distract myself...  But why is it that anything that happens throughout my daily life reminds me of some in my past?!  Or am I just a drama queen who wants to keep remembering the past and dwell over it and ruin her future?! 
Or have I just had enough from this life that I can't fight anymore... Like I have no energy left to struggle?!  Everything seems too tiring and too consuming.... 
So?!  Anyone got the same issue like me?!  Or am I like a sort of an alien on this planet?!!!

Contradictory

Who am I?!  I don't know anymore!!  I seriously don't understand myself... And this makes me nervous!!  How can't u not understand who you are...?!  I don't know how I feel or what I feel... Sometimes I think "I should be happy" I should live my normal life...then a second later I am just like but white is this life am talking about. I am not sad... Or am I?!  I am more of empty!!  Indifferent?!  Somewhat depressed?!  I don't know....
My nature is that am a talkative sociable personality I love to interact but not anymore.... People makes me sick these days I don't want to mingle with them!!  But I have no choice.... Yet some days u might see me talking and laughing and joking around... other days am silent and keeping my tears inside.... 
I look at myself in the mirror and say " yea I should put sone make up do my hair and put my nail polish on... Wear my finest clothes and go dazzle the world then I just put things down and am like nah am fine like that I don't want to....
It became like that since a couple of years but I reached the edge lately.... I don't know how to explain it really... 
Like I want to sleep all the time... Never wake up just stay like that.... I should be fine but I am not... I should be happy but I can't...I should let go but I am holding on....and I have to fake it every day fake that am ok and am doing fine but am tired of faking anymore and people now see right through it... It is obvious but moreover I Don’t care about the either... They say what they want to say and judge me or tag me whatever. But then I find myself dwelling about it because it hurts... It hurts that no 1 actually understands how it feels like... Like you are drowning but you don't want to be saved you just want to quit!  You give up for good... I look at my body and I see myself gained weight and I say I should just get fit again then I say whatever what is the use.  
Like I don't know... There are no words to explain what I feel... But someday or I might say most of the days my mood is off and I can't even let it out or cry or do anything instead am angry and I burst.... And people don't see that... They just wonder why on earth am I doing this to myself?!  Like I can control it!!  I really can't and they are not helping me... 
I am tired of people treating me like someone with a mental illness or like crazy psychotic shit...all this sympathy and pity why?! They just make things worse.... I guess.... Or do I care?!  Or I don't?!  I don't know... I guess I might really be losing my sanity you know.... But all I am sure of is that I am not FINE!!!! 

CLUE-LESS

 

Did it ever occur to you, when someone asks you how do you feel towards a guy? And the basic answer is "I DON'T KNOW".... They think that you are just being secretive or want to keep it to yourself, but the truth is that you actually got no clue. So, let us talk about it a little bit, shall we? 

It just happens a lot that you meet someone whom you feel comfortable with. It's like you both "CLICK". You become a part of each other’s life, spending time together, sharing moments, secrets, having fun. Being there for each other (supportive), helping out through the tough days, you know you become close. 
But here comes the question, who do I actually feel towards my- let's say- my mirror image? Some of us might not trouble themselves with this question and just let it be, live with the flow. Others on the other hand who are known to be over thinkers or those who use their brains more than their hearts will start to wonder. So, am I getting attached to this person? Like "LOVE" attached? or I am used to them being a part of my life as everything is so easy when they are around and I like it like that? It's just too confusing you see. The point is that sometimes you cannot differentiate between whether you are just friends or you are starting to fall for each other.  Some might suggest that maybe if you meet other people and try to get close you will get an answer. Like if this person is no longer in your life and it affects you badly then you have feelings for them. If you feel empty and something is missing then you do love them. Yet I don't think it works that way. Anyone who comes and be a part of your life, takes a piece of you with them. So, when they leave it's like they took a part of you away. It consumes you; it makes you feel sad, devastated, empty, etc...
You don't have to be in love with them to feel that I believe. So, I guess there is no sign to assure you or give you a hint about what you really feel about someone. Maybe you just feel so lonely and they filled that gap s you need them in your life, right? Maybe because they support you and help you through life you become dependent on them. A lot of theories and speculations I suppose, but no one correct answer. 
So, what to do? I guess it's best to stop thinking and "LIVE THE MOMENT". Just accept what life throws at you and "DEAL WITH IT". And in the end, though you may not have planned for it to happen, you might end up marrying that person.... Cause it's not just about "LOVE" that it takes to live happily ever after, it’s about understanding and facing the world together.......

Abuse

 

The first thing that comes to our mind when we hear the word "Abuse" is the physical harm. The word is related to the act of hurting someone physically or causing when trauma or injury. 
Yet there are other typed of abuse... 2 concern me actually and I consider them more critical than the physical or the common type of abuse
So first let us discuss the " Mental abuse" ...I don't actually know the precise definition of it but I guess that mental abuse is when you really screw someone's mind by any means
Overloading their brains.... To think more than they can, to stress more over situations... To cause them anxiety... To make them feel stupid or retarded.... There are a lot of way actually which cannot be defined in a simple definition...but in the end u destroy their brain and their capacity to use it in the correct way.  
Then let us move to the other type which is the emotional abuse....
To emotionally destroy someone that in the end they are in too much pain that they decide to end their lives by committing suicide.... how horrible does that sounds?!  Bullying is a way of emotional abuse.... societal influence.... peer pressure...
When u make someone feel bad about themselves
Either their looks or their body or whatever
When u lie to them, betray them, faking love... Or loving them in a way that only cause then pain and sufferance....
I seriously don't know exactly how to describe those 2 types of abuse.... they are interrelated and intermingled and have a lot of causes and a lot of consequences!!  
So, I guess sometimes we must stop and think a little. 
And analyse our actions before we do them and take care of the words we say before spitting then out of our mouths!!!  Maybe then we can treat each other better and have better relationships together...…

Conflict

 

Conflict.... When you have two contradicting thoughts inside your head...not only two maybe dozens of thoughts opposite to each other.... Or just different aspects to the same thing.... Or when you have 2 personalities inside of you both want to dominate and you don't know which one suits you better to face this vicious track called "Life" ….
You know when you want something very much but at the same time you know it is impossible to happen?!  Or even if it happens it might not be the way you want it...  When you are afraid that it will happen and it won't be the thing that you wanted it after all....
Let me direct my post to this beast called L. O. V. E
I want to talk with too about a particular point concerning this issue!!  
Don't know how to start actually the whole thing is thundering inside my mind and really hard to get it out but I will try my best.   
let's say you love someone and he supposed to have loved you back but things went terrible between you two till one started to give up and say "enough" …
Deep inside of you, you know it is over and it needs a miracle for this come back to happen...yet on the other side you really wish fir this miracle to happen... Then you pause and think a little...  If it was meant to be it would have gone fine in the first place, right?!  maybe this is for the best... Maybe we weren't good enough I mean love ONLY is never enough for a relationship you know there are a lot of variables.... But then you say why can't we just all over.... Like we meet coincidentally and act like we never knew each other and we never had a past and start all over again... Maybe after learning the mistake we can finally be together?!  Or people don't change that simply?!  And even if things went well after this come back, I guess you will still be afraid.... Afraid that it would go wrong again
Afraid that you will get hurt again.... You know it is really wicked.... How the universe might bring two people just to break them apart.... A lesson they call it.... But you never really are the same after it happens...you are a different person and each one of us cope with pain and hurt in a unique way... 
I don't know which is best but all I know is that when it comes to me am not happy like that and as a risk/benefit ratio 
"His" presence despite all the fights and all the teats shed is way better that his complete absence....
And what really complicates things more is that you don't understand why all this happened!! 
Did he love me?!  Or was I just someone to fill a gap of someone else?!  Wasn't I enough for him?!  Or was I too enough he couldn't handle?!  Was it completely my fault or was it his or both of us?!  
Tell me how am I suppose or anyone supposed to let something like that goes by without going mad and keep thinking even overthinking about it every day, every night, every second.... 
The point is that you still want them so much but you not sure if they want you.... you keep hoping for them to walk through the door.... But also, it might end even drastically than the time before!!  
So, what now?!  I have no clue.... I guess the only way to deal with it is "suppression " keep it inside....and accept the fact that somethings when gone never come back and not every wish upon a star can come true!!