My Craving

Do you ever crave a person?!  Not in a sexual way but u just crave their presence in your life?! There are different cravings like chocolate, chips, shopping, make up and an infinite number of different sources of cravings....
But when you crave a person's presence like he/she is your 11:11 wish...this is the most destroying thing ever.....
You know when life seems empty and meaningless, then all of a sudden you meet someone who gives it a whole new picture?!  Like you start loving yourself and starting loving your life....when their presence makes you feel safe and secure?!  To feel loved by them, to feel how much they care...
When you get attached to some kind of person who makes you happy, smiling, need nothing at all but them?! They call it true love... I call it “suicide" ....
Here is the thing life is not fair, and you never always get what you want.... Once you get attached to someone and u start catching feelings for them you are standing on the edge and you just hope you won't fall or they won't push you ... Like giving them a loaded gun and trusting them not to shoot you!! It's wicked actually especially that you cannot control those feelings deep inside of you even if you hid them externally they are inside of you, trapped and this is when you know you are screwed!!  I am not saying that love is something bad and should be avoided of course not... I am just stating the fact that it's like a gambling game,
you either win or lose....
So let us talk about the loss right now...we all know how it is perfect when things work out...
So u get attached to someone,  they became everything to you... They are your life, the air you are breathing the blood that's flowing through your arteries bla bla bla we all know these expressions, but then something happens!!  No matter what happens actually whether they were playing you, cheated on you, weren’t good enough i am not going to talk about the causes, let us focus on the results or i might say the consequences!!! 
There are different phases how people handle a heartbreak
1. The denial: you convince yourself that you don't need them and you are better off without them and you will find someone who deserves you etc.
2. Depression: you think life is over... You crawl in your bed, not talking to anyone and getting worse by time

3. Crying: you take a period of your life and keep crying and crying and crying then you finally stop and move on
4. Anger: you express the hurt in anger,  may post on social media,  block them, send them shitty texts,  fights in public places etc. we all know this never ends well
5. Hope: in my opinion this is the most dangerous way to deal with a heartbreak... I myself use it and it cost me a lot.
You keep hoping that things will get better, your mind makes up scenarios and day dream about good things that will happen... Like you still believe that no matter how long it takes things will get back together the same they were.... But sadly hope is dangerous, it drives people crazy.... And once you wake up to the fact that it is unrepairable and it is over for good it will be one of the hardest things to move on....you will just give up!! 
Actually the previously discussed mechanisms may all lead to a dead end.... But you will have to move on and live or try to live your life and act normal....
But here is the point...you crave these people.... It's like they are still on your mind
when something happens either good or bad and especially bad you remember them and u wish u could just call or text and tell them all about it...
I know how it feels... You are not alone whoever is reading this
You feel empty,  broken,  sad,  depressed,  indifferent,  nothing matters anymore....u don't even understand yourself and you can't explain it to others or simply others don't care. Much to try and help you out of it...
I guess it's the memories and the feelings you had with those people are the reason why it is very hard sometimes to let go and move on... And just get rid of your addiction to them...
So you think there is a way out of this vicious cycle?!  Or sometimes you just reach your limit and you can't fight anymore and it is easier to surrender?!! 
I guess this will remain a question which will keep you awake at night thinking about your life.....

Silence

I want to talk about it... there is a lot that I want to say but I just start to open my mouth but no words come out of it....
And sometimes I decide I will not say a word but I find myself spilling those words out of my mouth...It is like everything and its opposite....
Why do I want to talk?!  Because I am tired of keeping it inside of me.... It drives me crazy. Yet I think if I talk and say it all will it help?!  No it never helps... I guess it makes things worse
it reminds me of things I want to suppress and I keep inside buried.... Well not really buried, they are still there and eat me but at least I can distract myself from thinking about them!!! 
I can't stop thinking about something until I fully understand it.... And this is the whole point.... What is the use of talking your inside out if you still can't figure anything out....? It still makes you sad it still hurts it still is the same.....
So after I do the "crime" I blame myself for doing it...but it is too late.... So again I go dormant... I cut myself off and keep silent.... It is better that way I suppose....
In both cases these thoughts that bug me and tear my mind apart are still there and I still think about them but they are suppressed!!  I can distract myself but if I talk I don't shut up....I keep gulping the pain and the agony...and I feel bad.... And I say I shouldn't have done it I should have kept my mouth shut!!  But it is too late... And I have to punish myself.... Mentally of course not physically. Cause then I have to deal with that beast that I challenged!!
I have to defeat my own "MIND"

Personification

We all lost someone special to our hearts...whether they passed away, or just traveled far away. Or maybe things just went messy and they are not in our lives anymore...
But no matter what the reason is we miss them,  their presence, the value they added to our lives...
So tell me and be honest, haven’t you like pretended they were still there with you?!  Like in front of you, so you can talk to them whenever you want in whatever subject you want... If you are sad, happy, excited etc.!! As if nothing has changed and they are still there?!  Well I do...
It is definitely an escape reaction because you can't just face and accept the fact that they are gone you know...  Because it's is too heartbreaking and too hurtful that you can't live with it...  Or maybe you need them too much but there is nothing to do about it.... So you personify them!! 
Our brains are really fabulous and wicked at the same time you know....we can make scenarios that we wish will come true in the future...although we are sure it won't happen.... But we day dream and live in our own world for a little to feel happy because we are too tired of depression and sadness...Is it something good?!  Is it bad?! 
I can't judge... All I know that it is temporary relieving option we use to be able to live our lives and not break down!!  But still you wake up one day and you look at yourself in the mirror and say: "what the hell am I doing?! " why I am lying to myself?!  Why am I living in imagination and dream world?!  I must move on, I must be strong!!  I deserve better... Sometimes you feel like punishing yourself for this you know... And days pass with no imagination then suddenly you find yourself living again in the same dilemma...and i guess once you get used to this you can't just stop it...I know it is hard and it is uncontrollable and believe me,  I myself don't know how to deal with it... I do it all the time in a lot of occasions!!
So will this come to end?!  Will we be able to regain our NORMAL lives?!  I guess time will be the judge!!!