Silence

I want to talk about it... there is a lot that I want to say but I just start to open my mouth but no words come out of it....
And sometimes I decide I will not say a word but I find myself spilling those words out of my mouth...It is like everything and its opposite....
Why do I want to talk?!  Because I am tired of keeping it inside of me.... It drives me crazy. Yet I think if I talk and say it all will it help?!  No it never helps... I guess it makes things worse
it reminds me of things I want to suppress and I keep inside buried.... Well not really buried, they are still there and eat me but at least I can distract myself from thinking about them!!! 
I can't stop thinking about something until I fully understand it.... And this is the whole point.... What is the use of talking your inside out if you still can't figure anything out....? It still makes you sad it still hurts it still is the same.....
So after I do the "crime" I blame myself for doing it...but it is too late.... So again I go dormant... I cut myself off and keep silent.... It is better that way I suppose....
In both cases these thoughts that bug me and tear my mind apart are still there and I still think about them but they are suppressed!!  I can distract myself but if I talk I don't shut up....I keep gulping the pain and the agony...and I feel bad.... And I say I shouldn't have done it I should have kept my mouth shut!!  But it is too late... And I have to punish myself.... Mentally of course not physically. Cause then I have to deal with that beast that I challenged!!
I have to defeat my own "MIND"

Personification

We all lost someone special to our hearts...whether they passed away, or just traveled far away. Or maybe things just went messy and they are not in our lives anymore...
But no matter what the reason is we miss them,  their presence, the value they added to our lives...
So tell me and be honest, haven’t you like pretended they were still there with you?!  Like in front of you, so you can talk to them whenever you want in whatever subject you want... If you are sad, happy, excited etc.!! As if nothing has changed and they are still there?!  Well I do...
It is definitely an escape reaction because you can't just face and accept the fact that they are gone you know...  Because it's is too heartbreaking and too hurtful that you can't live with it...  Or maybe you need them too much but there is nothing to do about it.... So you personify them!! 
Our brains are really fabulous and wicked at the same time you know....we can make scenarios that we wish will come true in the future...although we are sure it won't happen.... But we day dream and live in our own world for a little to feel happy because we are too tired of depression and sadness...Is it something good?!  Is it bad?! 
I can't judge... All I know that it is temporary relieving option we use to be able to live our lives and not break down!!  But still you wake up one day and you look at yourself in the mirror and say: "what the hell am I doing?! " why I am lying to myself?!  Why am I living in imagination and dream world?!  I must move on, I must be strong!!  I deserve better... Sometimes you feel like punishing yourself for this you know... And days pass with no imagination then suddenly you find yourself living again in the same dilemma...and i guess once you get used to this you can't just stop it...I know it is hard and it is uncontrollable and believe me,  I myself don't know how to deal with it... I do it all the time in a lot of occasions!!
So will this come to end?!  Will we be able to regain our NORMAL lives?!  I guess time will be the judge!!!