Contradictory

Who am I?!  I don't know anymore!!  I seriously don't understand myself... And this makes me nervous!!  How can't u not understand who you are...?!  I don't know how I feel or what I feel... Sometimes I think "I should be happy" I should live my normal life...then a second later I am just like but white is this life am talking about. I am not sad... Or am I?!  I am more of empty!!  Indifferent?!  Somewhat depressed?!  I don't know....
My nature is that am a talkative sociable personality I love to interact but not anymore.... People makes me sick these days I don't want to mingle with them!!  But I have no choice.... Yet some days u might see me talking and laughing and joking around... other days am silent and keeping my tears inside.... 
I look at myself in the mirror and say " yea I should put sone make up do my hair and put my nail polish on... Wear my finest clothes and go dazzle the world then I just put things down and am like nah am fine like that I don't want to....
It became like that since a couple of years but I reached the edge lately.... I don't know how to explain it really... 
Like I want to sleep all the time... Never wake up just stay like that.... I should be fine but I am not... I should be happy but I can't...I should let go but I am holding on....and I have to fake it every day fake that am ok and am doing fine but am tired of faking anymore and people now see right through it... It is obvious but moreover I Don’t care about the either... They say what they want to say and judge me or tag me whatever. But then I find myself dwelling about it because it hurts... It hurts that no 1 actually understands how it feels like... Like you are drowning but you don't want to be saved you just want to quit!  You give up for good... I look at my body and I see myself gained weight and I say I should just get fit again then I say whatever what is the use.  
Like I don't know... There are no words to explain what I feel... But someday or I might say most of the days my mood is off and I can't even let it out or cry or do anything instead am angry and I burst.... And people don't see that... They just wonder why on earth am I doing this to myself?!  Like I can control it!!  I really can't and they are not helping me... 
I am tired of people treating me like someone with a mental illness or like crazy psychotic shit...all this sympathy and pity why?! They just make things worse.... I guess.... Or do I care?!  Or I don't?!  I don't know... I guess I might really be losing my sanity you know.... But all I am sure of is that I am not FINE!!!!